In Praise of Public School Teachers
I’m a product of America’s public schools system, and you can put me on record as feeling pretty ashamed of the way many of our teachers are treated these days. Why we see fit to kick 'em around—the convenient scapegoats—the way we do is beyond me. I had great public school teachers. And they had a troublesome student. That’s why, during this Teacher Appreciation Week, I offer not only my eternal thanks for their wisdom and patience, but also the following apologies to my earliest schoolmarms, starting in 1969:
Mrs. Dunn, Kindergarten: Sorry for throwing up at my desk and also believing that the louder I shouted in class the funnier I was.
Mrs. Cline, 1st Grade: Sorry for pouring milk in your classroom fish tank. I have since googled the nutritional needs of our gilled friends and…it is not milk.
Mrs. Martin, 2nd Grade: Sorry for using a stray piece of carbon paper to leave virtually-indelible scribbles on the wall of your classroom, including the word "Hell." If it's any consolation, my mom let me have it when I got home.
Mrs. Wiley, 3rd Grade: Sorry for stealing on virtually a daily basis from the box of candy you kept on a high—but not high enough—shelf to reward “good, smart and helpful” boys and girls. I was none of those. Also: sorry for never putting the SRA cards back in the right order and I think I threw up in your class, too.
Mrs. Giaque, 4th Grade: Sorry for dumping a gallon of gray paint on your light green classroom carpet. I can still hear the way it went "Gloomp" when it landed, and it haunts me to this day.
Miss Woolson, 5th Grade: Sorry I (unwittingly) got you in trouble by begging, with other classmates, for you to play the 45rpm single of Ray Stevens' "The Streak" (released 50 years ago this month) during music period. Principal Hauk was a puritanical jerk about it. To my knowledge, less than half of us actually became professional or recreational streakers after hearing it—a statistical blip.
And to all my teachers from K-12: I humbly apologize for driving so many of you to drink. Your fresh swizzle sticks are in the mail.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, May 6, 2024
Note: It's random drug test day. If your last name begins with A, E, G, K, M, O, P, T, U, X or Y, please pee onto your keypad. Then turn yourself in to the police because anyone who pees on their keypad must be high on something illegal. —Your friendly scolds at D.A.R.E.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Summer Olympics in Paris: 81
Days 'til the 52nd McAlester Italian Festival in Oklahoma: 4
Amount Russian state gas company Gazprom lost last year, going into the red for the first time in 20 years: $6.9 billion
Drop in Gazprom's natural gas exports to Europe in 2023: -56%
Percent chance that forecasters predict the South will be much warmer than average this week: 100%
Length of the indictments against Rep. Henry Cuellar (D-TX) and his wife for allegedly taking bribes from an oil company owned by the government of Azerbaijan and a Mexican bank: 54 pages
Percent of the U.S. workforce made up of immigrants last year, a new high according to the Bureau of Labor Geeks: 18.6%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Maru is ready for his close-up…
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CHEERS to jobs, jobs, jobs! (Or as Fox News describes it, since it's good news: "Nothing, nothing, nothing to see here.") If nothing else—and there's plenty else—President Biden has lorded over one hell of an employment comeback since taking office 40 months ago. The latest jobs report (+175,000) was released by the Labor Department via confetti cannon on Friday. Bill McBride at Calculated Risk says Dark Brandon continues to crush it:
Through April 2024, the employment report indicated positive job growth for 40 consecutive months, putting the current streak in 5th place of the longest job streaks in US history (since 1939).
Construction employment increased 9 thousand and is now 604 thousand above the pre-pandemic level. Manufacturing employment increased 8 thousand and is now 181 thousand above the pre-pandemic level.
A solid report.
And once again we find ourselves asking: what about the Republicans in Congress who keep claiming that all those Covid relief checks we got a few years back would just create a generation of moochers and takers and slackers? Oh, right…the masters of projection were just talking about themselves. The one thing at which they excel.
CHEERS to perspective. Speaking of covid (brilliant segue, Bill), last week the CDC delivered some excellent news to a nation weary of the red-tipped menace (not to be confused with the red-hatted menace): the lowest level of coronavirus-related hospitalizations since the start of the pandemic. A lot of the credit goes to the nerds in lab coats who worked around the clock to develop safe, effective vaccines and boosters, a fact that the diaper-fixated MAGA cult still insists is a lie to cover up their real purpose—to inject us with nanobots that will (if I remember correctly) suck up our precious bodily fluids in the middle of the night and deliver them to the service entrance of George Soros's mountaintop lair. Loathe as I am to quote The New York Times, last week David Leonhardt's morning email did a good job as he set out "to summarize the full truth about the Covid vaccines:"
They are overwhelmingly safe and effective. They have saved millions of lives and prevented untold misery around the world. They’re so valuable that elderly people and those with underlying health conditions should be vigilant about getting booster shots when they’re eligible. For most children, on the other hand, booster shots seem to have only modest benefits, which is why many countries don’t recommend them.
And, yes, a small fraction of people will experience significant side effects from the vaccines.
Eventually, scientific research may be able to better understand and reduce those side effects—which is more reason to pay attention to them.
Overall, Covid vaccines are probably the most beneficial medical breakthrough in years, if not decades.
And they shall rightly take their place among such miracle breakthroughs as the polio vaccine, smart-prosthetics, and, of course, candy corn.
CHEERS to easy layups. Unfortunate news from exercise-bike maker Peloton. The company says it's eliminating 400 jobs. Apparently their business model is caught in a vicious cycle. Boom! Nailed it.
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BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
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CHEERS to great moments in history. 228 years ago, the self-flushing toilet was patented. To drain a bunch of turds from your building, you just pulled a chain. If you want to witness the same effect at Fox News, just pull the fire alarm.
TALLY-HO! to good news from across the pond. For most of my tenure here at C&J, Britain's government has been run by a bunch of Tory Ministers of Silly Walks and Upper Class Twits of the Year, while their main competitors in the Labour Party have floundered around like week-old kippers looking for a toehold with which to climb back to relevance. The Tories appear to have granted Labour their wish via a two-prong strategy of catastrophically "Brexiting" from their European Union gravy train, and then proudly announcing that "the beatings of the commoners will continue until morale improves." And, gol’ blimey, it worked! Last week's local elections saw big wins for Labour…so big that the BBC had to make a list of takeaways, including:
» Labour gained more than 180 council seats to take control of eight councils, including Milton Keynes and Nuneaton, where there are traditional bellwether seats for general elections.
» The Tories lost control of 10 councils, including Basildon in Essex, which gained an iconic status for the Tories under Margaret Thatcher, when the Tories won working class areas that had traditionally voted Labour.
» Labour won a trio of newly-created regional mayor roles, continuing its recent successes in this area in recent years.
And my favorite—sorry, favourite—takeaway:
» Boris Johnson hit the headlines after being turned away from his local polling station after forgetting his voter ID.
Apparently there's going to be a general election later this year, which means the left might see its first prime minister—some guy named Keir Starmer—in a generation. He's an atheist vegetarian. God save the Empire.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 6, 2014
JEERS to yesterday's Supreme Court decision. Before we discuss this ruling, please rise and embrace the warm and loving tone of our opening Christian prayer. No, it's not mandatory, but we will be taking note of who the seat-warming heathen are, and this may affect your next zoning request:
Jesus loves me, this I know
For the SCOTUS tells me so
The rest of you can cry and bawl
But this is Mr. Christ's town hall.
You can read Adam B's analysis here. My conclusion is that the Court ruled that all religions are created equal, but—[Wink wink!!!]—Christianity is just a little more equal than the others. Bad news: the Bible-thumpers get to become even more obnoxious in government venues. Good news: America is still becoming, and will continue to become, less religious. Can I get a non-denominational Amen?
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And just one more…
CHEERS to lime, tangerine, strawberry, blueberry and grape. The iMac 'puter machine—in blue originally but then expanded to four other "flavors"—was unveiled 26 years ago today. Said CNET News at the time:
"We'll sell lots of them. This is the sexiest computer I've ever seen," said Jim Halpin, president and CEO of CompUSA, in a phone interview today with CNET's NEWS.COM. […]
Apple's first brand new Macintosh consumer system in over a year is different from previous Apple offerings—and its PC rivals—in that it will offer lots of built-in features at a low price. The iMac will come with a 233-MHz PowerPC processor, a 4GB hard drive, built-in networking, an internal modem, and a CD-ROM drive for $1,299, among other features.
Not to be outdone, nearly three decades later PCs and laptops now come in a variety of cool and crazy colors, too: black and gray. Mine is both black and gray with some silver around the edges. What can I say? I'm a badass.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
“When Bill in Portland Maine was splashing in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool, he decided he was going to stare at me with what I’m sure he was hoping was some kind of intimidating look, but he was trying to load so much into it that it just became a crazy look.”
—Lawrence O'Donnell
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